Untitled Poem — Denise Beltran
Faith by proxy, a testament of my youth.
Spiritualism embedded with cultural and linguistic artifacts.
Robes adorned of fine silk and gold threads, rosaries and candles. Bibles of intricate designs with
images of Pope John Paul II, an image of Madonna and Son. I was fascinated by idolatry. The
allure of candles with images of saints. Saints that I could find in grocery super markets, and the
miscegenation of religion with brujeria. I learned at a young age that the world was divided into
good and evil.
I never had a favorite saint, but I knew that by baptism I had been saved. A saved soul, and yet
as a child I felt like my space in heaven, already reserved, was all a farce. My doubt has been a
driving force in this life. Yet my doubt isn’t enough to not feel this shame.
My guilt has been conditioned to be a reflection of the past. My guilt consumes me and keeps
me behind. My guilt is something I want to describe. My guilt is shame, my guilt lives in me. My
guilt feels like Atlas carrying all the troubles of girls combined.
I would ask God or the Virgin Mary to save me. I would pray and ask for divine intervention
I feared God more than I feared the devil.
I feared the demonic entities of Mexican folklore more than I feared God.
I feared having thoughts that could be heard by God.
I feared being loved by someone so Divine.
I couldn’t understand how to willingly believe in that which I can’t see.
I couldn’t understand how I could ask for help from those who scare me.
I’m free to stand, free to fall. Yet, I live in constant fear of the unknown. That maybe
Once all this is over I’ve spent my whole life not believing enough.
I can’t decide to take a side, and yet I feel like I have.
The side of indecisiveness.
My faith didn’t teach me much about hope, love, or chastity.
My faith taught me fear and guilt. I’ve always felt like I didn’t do enough.
I kneel.
I lay in bed.
Guilt.
The sacrilegious act I perform onto myself.
The guilt of desire.
Profane and impure thoughts, I long to reconcile the part of me
That can be worldly.
To be complete and feel
Holy.
You can find Denise on instagram @dizzyhaus or on Wordpress under the same handle. “Denise Beltran is a graduate student working towards an MA in English Literature. Her interest lies in fairy tales, modernism, and ethnic literature. During her free time, she enjoys collaging, making playlists, and writing poetry. She aspires to write short stories someday and learn multiple languages.”
